Month: July 2003

one more time jawnbc

This time I was a bit more self-reflective…

+ Have I been honest and true within myself?

+ Do I have higher goals within for self-development and how do I achieve that without becoming a monk living on a mountaintop?

+ Can I reach the level of spirituality, inwardly seeking truth, that I feel it possible?

+ Since I have chosen a creative path, how do I understand the measurement of success in this realm because, since the 1950s, artistic success is measured in financial terms, not on how the work might affect ones historical and cultural legacy within ones society or culture?

+ Is it truly possible for two men to love each other in all the ways that I had seen my parents? (This one has been somewhat realized although I remain single. I don’t find the typical “gay lifestyle,” in most of the variations I’ve seen other the years, attractive since I don’t subscribe to the leather, hankies, rainbows, lisping, and calling out “girlfriend” type stuff. Never have! When I found love, it was short lived but, the time stays in my memories. My friend is deceased.)

In accordance to jawnbc, I am responding to these questions:

+ Have your interactions with others been characterized by respect, kindness and compassion?
For the most part, yes. However, I know that when I lose patience my voice changes and because of the tenor of my voice, I sound intimidating.

+ Are you responding to life as a gift, even when the moments are unhappy?
At this point in my life, I would say yes. As I have lost friends and family to death, it has become very apparent that a small token of kindness is extremely important. I’ve had many unhappy moments and the past two years have had days of frustration however, I still wake up (and go to bed) thinking how beautiful life is and that stress, anger, and hate just cannot be part of my life.

+ Do you react to things in terms of what you can contribute, rather than what you’ll get out of them?
I guess I would have to say the former since I don’t have much to show in terms of things I’ve gotten. Today, however, I’m doing things AND thinking about what I can get out of it. No compensation doesn’t pay the bills, or provide me with some tradeoff of value that I can use down the road. And, the road has become pretty narrow, and short, these days.

+ In the areas that you’ve not kept close to these ideals, how do you make things right again?
I work as hard on these things now as I ever have. I don’t have all the answers but, honestly, I’ve always felt the urge to develop inner strength, be it intellectual or spiritual. I think I’ve not reached a level of self-satisfaction. And, as I age, I feel understanding of certain principles is just beyond my comprehension, even though I’ve tried to. Some things can only be taught through life’s experiences…